desperately...

that day i text with a friend who is having holiday as me,i asked her ho was her holiday lately...guess what she said...FUN FANTASTIC SHOCK INTERESTING....she is nit spending the time i mean the holiday at home but another friends house...i was surprised to get her answer...how i hope i get to describe my life now with the 4 words..its a hard time now...i just hope to live alone...peacefully....i hate crowd....i hate......

my life....dull....

as time passes every minutes....i feel suffer....i hate that....how i hope i could just go back to my childhood....why i would have that feeling that i'm now scared to back home...thats the place where i desperately hope to go back whenever i'm outside...

but now but to day..

it seems to have a different feelings...i dont know why...a place that i love and care so much but i am having the kind of weird feeling now..i dont hope to...everyday thats the same problem sucks here....everyone seems to be living in their own world and doing their own stuffs....

no one care!!

no one....

its just like a hotel over here...we are just like STRANGERS...once we are just so close and happy just like in the fairy tales..dont know when it started to changed...

you are changing...he is changing...am i changing also??

i keep on telling myself that i love all of you,i dont mind to sacrifice i dont mind to care i dont mind to text you guys although i will not get a reply...

its all because i LOVE...I CARE..I MIND...

you will never understand my feeling that i am pretending to be happy to be ok in front of everyone...i will just hide myself and cry in the middle of the night cry in the toilet....

i dont know what i can do in this moment...only thing i know is to cry....i feel down i feel sad...

i dont know who to talk to...to my brother,i dont know whats important to you...once i heard that you are so care and love of me thats your only sister,i feel happy that moment...but lately i feel that we are so far apart....you know what i will just be happy like shit when i get your reply or your call thats one in a century you will did that or when you have things to ask with me...what the hell!!for others thats just a text just a normal thing in life...

i have that shit feeling because i love you so much...i care...but now you will only spend your time with your love one and friends but none of us...its this a normal situation for those brothers in world??its only kilometers gapping between us now i'm scared to imagine when you graduate and work next time how would the situation be....may be we will only meet in the festive days...dont know how long we have sit together for a meal...just hope that everything everything will be fine will be fine 1 day...all this makes me to have a promise or vow to myself that

i will never get married will never have children although i love kids very much..

i just want to live alone..

i want piece....

piss off..

today i'm really out of my mind and i know what kind of person you are!!

if you dont know how to love and care yourself what for we act like stupid to keep caring about you!

the kind of your behavior now is really making me to hate you!!is not just dislike but HATE !!

its really freaking bad to have this feeling...u are now in this situation and you still to drink like hell you really breaking our heart...i hate you...and i dont hope to....how old are you now and you acted this way...how the youngster will feel?did you think about that before??..you are not acting as a role model but a addict!!shit!the most damn answer you gave when some one trying to care on you is-if it could bring me to the hell in this easy way?! what the bull shit you are talking about!such a selfness man you are!! you think you could just leave and left all the shits to let us follow up?!!! did you think that before!! if i could i would rather choose to leave with others and left you this selfness man here and let you feel it!!you really really disappoint me...

really...i'm really sad...

touch wood to say that i would rather that you had left when i was young than now because at least i will get a good impression and memory on you...i dont want to keep the way you are now...

please...GOD...help me wake this man up....please...i dont want to see people that i love to suffer anymore because of his attitude...

-helpless-

get started to share...

i was taught that having a blog and keep it updated is a waste of time...

but now i think i need it desperately...i'm now suck of my life....

i don't know where to begin my story of feelings but just want to express...

i was just hoping to be a just normal and normal person in this world..

i'm not trying to blame on what i have now because i know there's people trying and fighting

to live just for another day...

i could not take on what happen recently..its too much..

i don't know whether i could be strong enough to deal with it or i will just sleep off forever..

so,now its not the word that i don't want to grow but i hate fucking grown..